The other night, I wrote you a letter.
I wrote all kinds of things in the letter.
I wrote about the weather…. how hot it has been. The lack of rain. The excess of rain. I wrote about how it’s been perfect beach weather, and how I’d so longed to go to the beach with you. I wrote about how it would be nice to walk along the water with our pant cuffs rolled up, and our flip-flops in hand.
I wrote about how tough it is when the kids are out of school–not for lack of things to do, but simply for the lack of funds to do them. I mentioned how sitters tend to weigh heavily on the wallet, but it’s nice when there’s a sitter the kids enjoy.
I wrote about work. I probably shouldn’t repeat what I said about work. Hmmmm…….
I wrote about my plans to further my education by applying for acceptance into a Master’s Degree program starting this fall. I know we had talked about it before– but it was just a thought then. It’s reality now. So, I put it in the letter, because I wanted you to know.
I wrote about Minion #1’s softball career. How she loves it so. How she FINALLY got some pitching instruction from her coach. Oh, and man–I wrote about how you should have seen that AWESOME double play she made! She was so freaking proud of herself– but not more proud than I. I wrote about how the coach showed favoritism, and how it was very difficult for me to keep my hot-tempered mouth in check.
I wrote about my friends. I wrote about Baby A’s baptism. Baby E’s birth. I wrote about all the things I have planned for this summer– especially during my birthday weekend. I wrote about my plans for the vacation home with the minions to see dad and mom, brother and family, and friends. I wrote about the activities I am planning.
I wrote about all the doctor appointments I’ve had because of my desire to reclaim my health.
I wrote about the neighbor. Ughh. What drama there was to write about with that one.
I wrote that letter in about an hour and a half while I was attempting to fall asleep. I know that I must have fallen asleep at some point while writing, because I awoke to a paper pillow, and my arm wrapped tightly around the book I had used as a desk. I still have not found my pen……
Tonight, though, I re-read that letter I had written to you the other night.
And I burned it.
No, really. I burned it. In the back yard. I lit it up and watched it burn.
Hmm? Why? Oh, well, because I wrote about all the things I would have told you if you were here. All the things we would have done if you were here. All the things you should have known already– because you were supposed to be here. And, quite honestly? It pissed me right off.
It pissed me off not because you’re not here. I’m over that. It pissed me off because I wasted a least an hour and a half of my time writing a letter to someone who isn’t a part of my life any more when I should have been thinking of the ones that are.
I should have been thinking about L.. and how I’d do anything to help her right now, but I know that she is tough, and strong, and can pretty much beat the living shiitake out of anyone that gives her grief, so, she’s all good. 🙂
I should have been thinking about K..and how she has so much on her plate right now that I don’t even know where to begin to help her.. and that bothers me. But, she knows she is surrounded by people who love her– she just needs to focus on what is important– she will get through this rough patch by relying on her faith, her family, and her friends. You got this, girlfriend. ❤
I should have been thinking about C .. and how he owes me a night of Irish Car Bombs and Jager Bombs and Goodness only knows what other kinds of Bombs. Get on that. 570 and I won’t blow you in to the Mrs. Promise. 🙂
I should have been thinking about D.. and how he has pleasantly surprised me. How it is amazing what a difference a year or so makes.. and how he has been just wonderful knowing my frame of mind, and still sticking around. Thank you. Here’s to many more awesome magic shows and creepy leotard-clad Karaoke singers… *shudders*.. and things we haven’t done together… yet. 😉 Perhaps I shall challenge you to a game of horseshoes… A game of HORSESHOES!!
I should have been thinking about M.. and how I owe him so very much for helping me get my head on straight. How his dumb 39 day challenge has done more for me than 3 years of counseling. How, even though he doesn’t understand it– he has become a part of my family, and I would do anything for him—-even though he refuses to teach me Excel. Bastard. >_<
I should have been thinking about my brother R.. and how the years have brought us together as a family again– and that I am so grateful for that. I will deny ever saying this.. but my brother is a good man and doesn’t deserve to have the weight of the world on his shoulders, alone. R– I will take whatever I can of that weight off of you. Just ask…
I should have been thinking about my walking sisters.. C and T and J–and how without them.. I probably would have given up a long time ago. I send up my prayers for them everyday– even though I’m not certain who is listening. Love you ladies. And, C– He is totally mine– hook me up! 🙂
You see, I have so many other people I should have been thinking about. People that are here. People that, no matter how tough it gets, stick around. People that know I’m a whack job and still want to get to know me. People that have shown me what real friendships and relationships are…… people who had every reason to run, but chose to stand still.
I guess this just proves to me that I HAVE grown. That I HAVE come so very far in the past 3 months. I’m not upset that I wrote to you– I’m upset that I stopped focusing on what is important to me– to my well-being– for even a second. That is why I burned that letter– it brings be back. It brings me back to lonely. It brings me back to sad.. and hurt.. and scared.. and rejected.. and distrusting… and weak. I hated that person. I have worked so freaking hard to get to where I am right now, I don’t plan on going back. Ever. Instead, I am strapping on my running shoes and moving forward with renewed energy.
Hmm. Maybe I should thank you? Hmm, indeed.