One step forward… *hopefully* none back.

So, I decided today that I can no longer hold on to the past.  I can no longer hang on to relationships that do not exist.  I can no longer continue to torture myself– hoping things will change.  I can no longer keep the text messages… the voicemails.  I keep listening to them to hear his voice– to remember how excited he once was about us.  I keep re-reading the text conversations and seeing him tell me he loves me.  I keep seeing how it appears he can’t let go any easier than I, but is too stubborn to make the effort.  I keep seeing how easily I am drawn back in by him, and how desperate it makes me look.  

I am not desperate.

 I have to let him go.  So, I did what I should have done a long time ago.  I deleted every single one of the voicemails (after listening to them and getting all choked up from hearing his voice and declarations of love, of course). All 14 of them.  I deleted every single text message (after reading them all again, of course).  All 350 that I had saved.   Everything is gone. 

I am not certain how I feel about this..

…part of me is proud of myself, because, previously, I would have kept them indefinitely and continued to torture myself–trying to figure out how I could have changed his mind– what I could have done to keep him.  So, yeah, I’m proud.  It’s a big step for me to not give myself reasons to self-doubt or self-sabotage.  It feels kind of freeing, too, to know that I’m learning–and practicing–how to let go of the negatives… the things that hold me back from living….

…but another part of me is sad.  Sad because deleting the voicemails means I will likely never hear his voice again– and I adored his voice.  Sad because deleting the texts means I no longer have it in ‘writing’ that he does love me still… and for whatever reason, I liked knowing he still loved me.  Sad because– self-sabotage is really the only thing I know I do well.  So now what???  Holding on to my past is pretty much the only way I know how to define myself.  Terrible body image and bulimia in high school.  The rape in college.  The disconnect with my family.  The failed marriage.  The subsequent failed relationship attempts.  The continuous battle with body image now partnered with stubborn weight due to Diabetes.  The list goes on and on and on….

I suppose there is nowhere else for me to go now but forward since I’ve deleted the past.  I’m no where near ready for a relationship like I had with him…. as much as I would like it.  I’ve still got a boatload of work to do on myself before I can consider taking that step.  Will it happen?  I’m sure it will at some point, yes, but for right now, I’m happy with how things are.  I just hope that when the time is perfect–the right man will woo me something awesome!  Every girl deserves to be wooed.

Have you ever thrown out, deleted, given away something because of the memories attached?  How long did it take you to be alright with that something?  Did something better take its place?  I’d love to hear your experiences!


2 thoughts on “One step forward… *hopefully* none back.

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