“I also remember the moment my life changed, the moment I finally said, ”I’ve had it! I know I’m much more than I’m demonstrating mentally, emotionally, and physically in my life’.’ I made a decision in that moment which was to alter my life forever. I decided to change virtually every aspect of my life. I decided I would never again settle for less than I can be.”
HI! It’s been a while! Sorry ’bout that. Remember that Shit Fan I have previously mentioned? Well, yes, it struck again! Surprise, Surprise! No, it’s not really a surprise at all. Uggh. So, basically, I’m going to use this post as a ‘catch-up” post, if that’s alright with you all?
So, a little over 2 weeks ago, the ex-boyfriend and I were texting, and he mentioned that he misses me…. still loves me… is a confused, emotional mess… doesn’t know what he wants. Is he sacrificing his happiness if he decides to go back to his old life? What if his happiness is with me? He wants to talk to me– on the phone– if I’m alright with that. Just a few days is all he needs. As I’m sure you can all imagine, I fell for it. Again. Hook, line, and sinker. Because, well, that’s just how I roll. I got that glimmer of hope– that maybe– just maybe he was seeing what I’ve seen all along. I told him that I love him, and miss him, too, and that sure– I’d be alright with talking on the phone. We texted a bit about what went wrong– cleared the air a bit on some issues. But he still isn’t sure what he wants.
And, I get that. I absolutely get that. I can honestly say that I know how that feels. I have been in many situations where I simply just don’t know what I want–Unsweetened iced tea? Water? The salad? Greasy patty melt? Seriously. Decisions are tough. But, see, for me? The decision about who I wanted to be with was not. I knew I wanted to be with him. Warts and all. Was it hard work? Yes. Were there things that we’d have to work on (likely) continuously? Sure. Were there things that I didn’t particularly care for? Of course. But, there was still no question for me. I wanted to be with him. We moved WAY too quickly– so we had some issues very early on, but I believed we could get through anything. That’s how much I loved him.
So, after thinking about, and re-reading, our text conversation close to a thousand times, it dawned on me. Why on Earth am I holding on so desperately to someone who knows he loves and misses me, but doesn’t know if he wants to be with me? WHY do I allow myself to even pretend that there is hope for us?? If he did come back to me, I’d always be worried that his past life would come back just as she did this time and decide she wants him again.. just like she did this time. And he’d leave me. Again. Or– would he be coming back because she decided she DOESN’T want him anymore, and, therefore, I’m the fallback plan? I will say, though, that I do not, in any way, believe that is how we started out– I believe he really thought he was ready for a new relationship.
I guess what I’m trying to say is this…….I don’t want to ever doubt that my man loves, respects, desires, needs, and truly knows that he is with me because he WANTS to be– not because he feels he has no other option. I think I deserve that man who wants to be with me because of his genuine interest in me–and what we could become– not because of obligation or convenience. As Gwen Stefani so eloquently put it.. “I ain’t no holla back girl.” I have told him that I am not certain we can continue to text, because, well, it’s feels too hard for me to switch between our love relationship back to a friendship. Not because I don’t love him.. not because I don’t still think about him and our plans. Not because I don’t WANT him in my life. But because I cannot heal and move on if I’m constantly holding onto the idea of my life with him. The life he doesn’t know if he wants or can handle.
Very long story short—-My brother and I were informed that our mother was going to pass away last Monday. Quickly. We needed to get to her bedside. Schedules re-arranged. Plans cancelled or changed. Travel arrangements made. Child care situated. And then we drove from NJ (brother) and NY(me) to Vermont (mom). Not really certain how to explain what happened up there, so I will simply say this: Mom is alive, and, for all intents and purposes– well. I guess my issue with this is NOT that she is alive, but, rather, that I prepared for her to not be. I feel as if I’m on an emotional roller coaster that just refuses to stop! AAACK! She was given the anointing of the sick, and “woke up” within a few hours, so of course, her recovery is divine intervention. I’m glad she has her faith to hold onto and keep with her. I am home now, and hoping she sticks around for a while longer.
My 5k Training:
Oh boy. I will start this section by saying– I am SUPER proud of myself for continuing to get out there almost every day to walk/jog. Usually by now, I’d have quit. I’m not seeing the weight loss results I’d hoped, and that is typically my reason for quitting my diet/exercise routines. This time, though, I’m focusing more on my overall physical and emotional health. And it’s working. I had to take about 4 days off during my trip to Vermont last week, and despite my reluctance, I went back to the track Monday morning. I’m determined to stick to this. I have been having a lot of difficulties with shin splints, and it’s been keeping me from actually going hardcore running, but I’m working on correcting them. Stretching, shoes, inserts, ice, ibuprophen. I know that I am likely going to be unable to run/jog the full 5k on June 3rd, but at this point, 39 days is simply not enough time to undo all of the damage I’ve done to myself over the past 19 years. I am not looking to compete. I only wish to complete. If I complete this race– whether I walk the whole damn thing or not– I will have actually stuck to a goal I’ve set for myself without sabotaging it. That’s all I want. There is another race July 8th (Run for Rover) that I am looking forward to, perhaps, competing, but for now? I will be thrilled to simply complete the Junetienth.
For now, I think that about wraps up my update. I’m hungry– and so I will go get lunch. A healthy one! 🙂
As always, thanks for reading, and I appreciate the feedback! 🙂