Archive | May 2012

Forgive my lapse in posting.. here’s a mess of random thoughts!

I also remember the moment my life changed, the moment I finally said, ”I’ve had it! I know I’m much more than I’m demonstrating mentally, emotionally, and physically in my life’.’ I made a decision in that moment which was to alter my life forever. I decided to change virtually every aspect of my life. I decided I would never again settle for less than I can be.”

~Anthony Robbins~

HI!  It’s been a while!  Sorry ’bout that.  Remember that  Shit Fan I have previously mentioned?  Well, yes, it struck again!  Surprise, Surprise!  No, it’s not really a surprise at all.  Uggh.  So, basically, I’m going to use this post as a ‘catch-up” post, if that’s alright with you all?

The Ex:

So, a little over 2 weeks ago, the ex-boyfriend and I were texting, and he mentioned that he misses me…. still loves me… is a confused, emotional mess… doesn’t know what he wants.  Is he sacrificing his happiness if he decides to go back to his old life?  What if his happiness is with me?  He wants to talk to me– on the phone– if I’m alright with that.  Just a few days is all he needs.   As I’m sure you can all imagine, I fell for it.  Again.  Hook, line, and sinker. Because, well, that’s just how I roll.  I got that glimmer of hope– that maybe– just maybe he was seeing what I’ve seen all along.  I told him that I love him, and miss him, too, and that sure– I’d be alright with talking on the phone.  We texted a bit about what went wrong– cleared the air a bit on some issues.  But he still isn’t sure what he wants.

And, I get that.  I absolutely get that.  I can honestly say that I know how that feels.  I have been in many situations where I simply just don’t know what I want–Unsweetened iced tea?  Water?  The salad?  Greasy patty melt?  Seriously.  Decisions are tough.  But, see, for me?  The decision about who I wanted to be with was not.  I knew I wanted to be with him.  Warts and all. Was it hard work?  Yes.  Were there things that we’d have to work on (likely) continuously?  Sure.  Were there things that I didn’t particularly care for?  Of course.  But, there was still no question for me.  I wanted to be with him.  We moved WAY too quickly– so we had some issues very early on, but I believed we could get through anything.  That’s how much I loved him.

So, after thinking about, and re-reading, our text conversation close to a thousand times, it dawned on me.  Why on Earth am I holding on so desperately to someone who knows he loves and misses me, but doesn’t know if he wants to be with me?   WHY do I allow myself to even pretend that there is hope for us??  If he did come back to me, I’d always be worried that his past life would come back just as she did this time and decide she wants him again.. just like she did this time.  And he’d leave me.  Again.  Or– would he be coming back because she decided she DOESN’T want him anymore, and, therefore, I’m the fallback plan?  I will say, though, that I do not, in any way, believe that is how we started out– I believe he really thought he was ready for a new relationship. 

I guess what I’m trying to say is this…….I don’t want to ever doubt that my man loves, respects, desires, needs, and truly knows that he is with me because he WANTS to be– not because he feels he has no other option.  I think I deserve that man who wants to be with me because of his genuine interest in me–and what we could become– not because of obligation or convenience.  As Gwen Stefani so eloquently put it.. “I ain’t no holla back girl.”   I have told him that I am not certain we can continue to text, because, well, it’s feels too hard for me to switch between our love relationship back to a friendship.  Not because I don’t love him.. not because I don’t still think about him and our plans.  Not because I don’t WANT him in my life.  But because I cannot heal and move on if I’m constantly holding onto the idea of my life with him. The life he doesn’t know if he wants or can handle. 

Blah.

My mother:

Very long story short—-My brother and I were informed that our mother was going to pass away last Monday.  Quickly.  We needed to get to her bedside.  Schedules re-arranged. Plans cancelled or changed.  Travel arrangements made.  Child care situated. And then we drove from NJ (brother) and NY(me) to Vermont (mom).  Not really certain how to explain what happened up there, so I will simply say this:  Mom is alive, and, for all intents and purposes– well.  I guess my issue with this is NOT that she is alive, but, rather, that I prepared for her to not be.  I feel as if I’m on an emotional roller coaster that just refuses to stop!  AAACK!  She was given the anointing of the sick, and “woke up” within a few hours, so of course, her recovery is divine intervention.  I’m glad she has her faith to hold onto and keep with her.  I am home now, and hoping she sticks around for a while longer.

My 5k Training:

Oh boy.  I will start this section by saying– I am SUPER proud of myself for continuing to get out there almost every day to walk/jog.  Usually by now, I’d have quit.  I’m not seeing the weight loss results I’d hoped, and that is typically my reason for quitting my diet/exercise routines.  This time, though, I’m focusing more on my overall physical and emotional health.  And it’s working.  I had to take about 4 days off during my trip to Vermont last week, and despite my reluctance, I went back to the track Monday morning.  I’m determined to stick to this.  I have been having a lot of difficulties with shin splints, and it’s been keeping me from actually going hardcore running, but I’m working on correcting them.  Stretching, shoes, inserts, ice, ibuprophen.  I know that I am likely going to be unable to run/jog the full 5k on June 3rd, but at this point, 39 days is simply not enough time to undo all of the damage I’ve done to myself over the past 19 years.  I  am not looking to compete.  I only wish to complete.  If I complete this race– whether I walk the whole damn thing or not– I will have actually stuck to a goal I’ve set for myself without sabotaging it.  That’s all I want.  There is another race July 8th (Run for Rover) that I am looking forward to, perhaps, competing, but for now?  I will be thrilled to simply complete the Junetienth.   

For now, I think that about wraps up my update.  I’m hungry– and so I will go get lunch.  A healthy one!  🙂

As always, thanks for reading, and I appreciate the feedback!  🙂

 

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Ball Dropping and how it pertains to me….

“The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it.”

— Lou Holtz

Too often, we consume ourselves with negativity.  Be it a negative attitude, a negative friend, a negative self-image, a dead-end job, or an unhealthy relationship,  we allow the negativity into our lives and succumb to its power.  Sometimes, it simply sits within our minds and barely makes itself known.  Every so often it will appear in the form of a negative comment, or feeling of insecurity, but usually stays out of sight.   Sometimes, it comes and goes–making us feel secure in thinking we have control over it, when, in reality, its ability to keep coming back solidifies its control over us.  But, when it’s in remission, so to speak, we feel good–positive– healthy, so we do not consider it a problem.   We liken these two types of negativity to a bad day… a bad run of luck… a temporary setback.  These are acceptable, right?  Everyone has bad days now and again… Right?

Then, there is the type of negativity that becomes our identity.  We have all seen it in someone we know– the person is simply the most miserable human being on the face of this planet.  Never a good word to say, or a helping hand for a person in need.  Never sees the joys in life, but quickly–as if a magnet–attracts every misfortune and makes certain all around are aware of said misfortune.  This kind of negativity is dangerous.  It is the downfall of many healthy relationships.  It is the deterioration of self-worth.  It is the rack and ruin of careers.  It is the decent into a very lonely and miserable existence.  But, yet, we are seemingly unaware when this decent begins.  One day we are going along, with nothing but the clouds to bring us down, and, then, as if we took a trip into the Twilight Zone,  the very next day we are struggling to keep our perspective and not consider every bump in the road a deliberate derailment of our journey.  We see every hurdle as a burden to bear.  We believe every cancellation of plans, or inability to mesh schedules with friends and loved ones as rejection.  We take criticism as insult.

I have often described my life as a soap opera.  NO ONE could have happen to them the things that happen to me,  I mean, consistently happen to me.  One friend loves to (jokingly) poke fun at me saying how just when he thinks things couldn’t possibly get worse, I call him and unload another doozy.  I have often compared my life to the ‘Shit Fan’.  What is the ‘Shit Fan’ you ask?  Ah, let me explain……   The ‘Shit Fan’ is the huge, Vornado-like fan that is continuously spewing shit.  All shit all the time.   I KNOW everyone has, at some point in their life, stood in front of a blowing fan.  You know, like when it’s super hot outside, and you stand in front of the fan to get the direct hit of moving air– well, the fan in front of which I choose to stand…my moving air on that really hot summer day….  is a shit fan.  A super-poweful, always-running shit fan.    And for whatever reason, while I have always SEEN the shit coming, I have been unable to step to the side.

So, it covers me.

Head. To. Toe.

Covered in shit.

And WHY am I writing about this shit fan?  And what could it possibly have to do with the quote above?  Well, today, while walking with my friends at the track, we somehow began a conversation about how two of us seem to focus on the negative aspects of our lives, therefore never allowing ourselves out of the vicious downward spiral of emotion–while the other sees the negative aspects as opportunities to welcome positive aspects in turn.  So, it got me thinking– why DO I focus on all of the negativity surrounding me– allowing it to attach its cold, dark tentacles into my brain?  Why am I not able to just see things as bumps in the  road rather than huge, cavernous spaces into which I will undoubtedly fall?  Why do I take just about every single criticism personally–solidifying my belief that I am simply a failure in this life?  That I’m a terrible mother?  That I’m stupid–both intellectually and emotionally? That I am as wanted as that never-ending spray of shit coming from the shit fan?

Dang.. maybe that’s what the counselor thinks I should come back for some more “individual sessions”.  LOL!

I have blamed everything bad in my life on someone or something else.  My too-strick parents.  My (basically) absentee mother.  My brother for being WAY smarter than I in school, leaving me to listen to how I should be better and smarter.  My hip injuries for quitting running (which, yes.. that one is legit, but still, I could have continued to exercise in other manners..).  The economy for my low paying job.  My husband for not paying enough attention to me, or for straying during our marriage, or for keeping me from seeing my family in other states, or for telling me I’m ‘too fat to be taken seriously in any public speaking type of position.’  My kids for being, well, for being typical kids.  My friends for being thinner, or way prettier.  It’s never-ending, really.  I can come up with someone or something to blame for everything bad that has ever happened to me.   And, until recently, I never blamed myself for any of it.

That’s right.  I never blamed myself.

Hopefully, by now, most of you can see where the quote above fits into my story.  I am always complaining about some aspect of my life-the bouncing ball-and blaming the closest person/place/thing, yet, it is always me who drops it.  My brother wasn’t smarter than I… I was simply disinterested.  My injuries didn’t keep me from exercising when I could no longer run.. I was simply lazy.  The economy isn’t keeping me from getting a better paying job– I am.  Because I’m scared of change.  I’m not too fat to be taken seriously in ANYTHING..

well, ok.. maybe I wouldn’t be taken seriously if I attempted to be a swimsuit model for Sports Illustrated… but watch out, I might just want to someday….

So, what I have decided to do, and what I challenge all of you to do, is this:   For the next week, write down every negative thought that creeps into my life.  Write down what I was doing when it happened… or, when I noticed it was there.  Write down how I felt.  Write down what it urged me to do– did it make me want to cry?  Eat?  Sleep?  Exercise?  Shower? Scream?  Write it all down.  Write about the shit that’s coming at me from the Shit Fan.

And then I am going to throw it all away.

That’s right.  I am going to crumple up those papers and throw them away.  I have no need nor want for them in my life anymore.  The act of crumpling up our negative thoughts and throwing them in the garbage is therapeutic in that it first forces us to identify what is holding us back, and allows us to create a name for, or a statement about, the negativity and banish it for good.

I have lived in a self-imposed world of negativity for longer than I can remember, and I simply do not wish to do so anymore.  So, after I’ve identified, written down, and thrown away those negative things, I will then write down anything and everything positive within my life.  For example, I could write one of my negatives as “I do not have a lot of friends, and it makes me sad.”  After I’ve thrown that away, I will then write ” The people I choose to has as part of my life are not only my friends–they are my family.  I am happy when I am with them, or speaking to them, and often look at pictures of us together and smile, unconsciously, remembering what amazing memories we create together.”  I will use these daily lists of positives to remind myself that while I am not perfect– I am perfectly happy with who I am.  I’m tired of dropping the ball in my life– and in turn– my children’s lives.  I am taking back control of my emotions and my brain, and removing those cold, dark tentacles of negativity.

Will YOU take the challenge to remove yourself from the path of the Shit Fan?  How do you think it will impact your lives?  Would love to hear!

Progress, perhaps?

Strive for progress, not perfection.

 -Unknown

I think I mentioned that I’m attempting to eat Clean.  I do not recall if I mentioned I have been challenged to complete a 5K?   I also agreed to an extra fun challenge– transform myself into a Victoria Secret Model in 180 days.  The other participant has agreed to transform himself into a Hollister Male model physique in 60 days.  He is a lot thinner, younger, and much more in shape than I…. that’s why he only gets 60 days.  I compare it to bowling.. the worst bowler has the biggest handicap.  Yeah, I’ve got the biggest handicap.

So, one day, we are chatting on AIM (yeah, some people do still use it.. shut it) and the conversation looks pretty much like this…

Hollister: You don’t have 180 days… you have 39.

Me: WHAT?!  What do you mean I only have 39 days?? I have 180!

Hollister: No…. you have 39.  The 5k you agreed to run is in 39 days.

Me:  FML.

No effing way. It’s impossible.  I’m simply not able to pull off a 5k in 39 days!  I know I’ve mentioned that I had been a runner in my younger years, but, that was 19 years ago.

*Pause to let that set in….*

The last time I ran a race was 19 years ago.  Half of my life ago.  Completely unreal— not that I haven’t run a race in that long, but that I’m actually THAT OLD!!!  AAAACK!  I’m not certain how this is going to go.  As I stated, I accepted the challenge, and am on Day 6 of 39.  So far, I’ve only watched my diet, walked, and ‘shuffle jogged’ as I have named it– you know it.. that basically walking pace, but you’re bouncing as you would if you were jogging?  Yes.. that.  I figure, so long as I can perfect that, it’ll never seem as if I’m walking during my race!  Right?!?   As of this morning, I have lost a mere 3 lbs in those 6 days.  I had hoped it’d be a whole lot more, but I’m not complaining!  Slow and steady… Slow and steady….

I do feel myself getting stronger.  I was very concerned because my first ‘real’ workout left me with burning arches and shins.  The burning arches came about after (badly) completing the “Muffin Top Meltdown” dvd.  I was certain if the planks and sumo squat jumps with a kettlebell didn’t kill me, the burning arches would.  I was CRAZY sore! 

By the way— may I mention that planks seriously SUCK??  Holy crap.  Just saying.

So, anyway, I was very close to quitting this challenge because of the crazy pain in my shins and arches– but chose, instead, to do a little research on my trusty friend Google.  I learned that my both of my ailments could very well be due to a need for orthodics.  Of course I’m thinking those horribly ugly taupe shoes with the super-thick heel on one and normal heel on the other.. or those crazy expensive pieces of moulded plastic that fit inside the shoe bed.  Turns out?  Walgreens carries a few different type of arch support inserts!  Yay Me!  I bought the mid-range priced pair.  On Monday, I went walking with a few girlfriends of mine at the track near my home, and wore the insoles.  Would you believe?!?  Not a SINGLE bit of burning shins or arches!!  I was so thrilled!  I didn’t want to get too excited yet, because it was only one day– and I had taken a day off of walking for rest, so the pain could easily come back.  It DID NOT!! Not only did I walk again this morning with my girlfriends, I walked faster! I cannot believe how a $15 pair of inserts has made such a HUGE difference!!  I haven’t tried it yet with the workout dvd to see if the side to side motion still hurts, but I know that walking is SO much less painful on my dainty shins!  🙂

So, I’m proud to say that I have NOT quit the challenge– and have absolutely NO intention of doing so!  I feel SO much more mentally clear after walking.  The combination of friends, exercise, and fresh air certainly agrees with me! 

I am choosing to believe that the relief of shin/arch pain is progress–not perfection, as I am still sore elsewhere– but progress, nonetheless.  Next thing to tackle is to start the actual jogging for more than a few hundred meters………

I added a fun poll to this post… Please vote! 🙂  Thanks for reading and responding!