“Friends with benefits? More than friends? Don’t sample the goodies unless you’re willing to risk addiction and withdrawal.”
This weekend, a few friends and I got together for movies and junk food. We’re all pretty much broke as a joke, so yeah, we improvise! We watched ‘Clerks’ and ‘Friends with Benefits’ while gorging on pepperoni monkey bread, chips, dip and rice crispy treats. There was an ice cream cake as well, but we never got to it. Sad, really. But, I am certain it will not go to waste. Anyway, we watched ‘Friends with Benefits’, and it got me thinking– can one REALLY have an arrangement with someone that is purely physical? NEITHER party develops feelings at some point? Is it possible? I know people who are married and have an FWB on the side. I know people who are single –with no desire to ever change that status– that have an FWB. I know people who are exclusive with one person but without the relationship–simply a FWB. I also know people who have tried to have an FWB, but couldn’t continue due to developing some serious feelings for the other person. It’s a tricky thing, this FWB arrangement.
I will admit it, after my separation, I attempted to have one of these said arrangements. I didn’t know it was going to be that, but just kind of morphed into it, I guess. We were just two lonely people who enjoyed each others company, and could have a blast out on the town together and with friends, or just hanging out on the couch watching movies all night. For a while, it was fine. Nothing weird– no complications– no expectations. But, after a few months, I began to realize that I was WAY more involved with ‘us’ than he. I don’t know why I thought that if I was developing feelings, then, surely, he must be as well….. right?!? No…… No, he was not. Well, wait– he was– just not for me. It hurt a bit, but being the type of relationship it was, I was able to put things into perspective quickly and easily. I suppose that I believed it was one of those silent, but mutual agreements, that while we were ‘together’, we would be monogamous. I have since learned that these types of relationships simply do not work that way unless the stipulation is brought to the table right from the beginning. Today? We are still awesome friends. We hang out with our friends like nothing ever happened. It was weird for a little while, but we’re just not willing to let anything come between our friendship. And, I’m glad about that.
I do realize that there is, often times, more pressure from the girl to turn the arrangement into a relationship. And, yes. I am guilty of trying to make a relationship out of nothing. But, I’m curious to know if there are guys who entered into one of these said arrangements and found himself falling for the girl. If so, does he tell her? Do they convert from arrangement to relationship like you see in the movies? Or, is it easy for him to keep emotions out of the physical act of sex? From my own experience, I know that it’s damn near impossible for me to be physically involved with someone and not have an emotional connection with him. Chalk it up to being a stupid girl, I guess. I have never been able to separate the two. I know that I would be better off if I could separate the two, but I suppose I keep hoping that I will find the man who is equally attracted to me physically and emotionally.
Is that really so much to ask? Uggh.
I remember after my separation my father told me I would eventually want to be with a man again. I told him he was crazy. I didn’t need a man. I have my Chilton’s book, my appliance owner manuals, and my tools to fix stuff on my own. He said, “yes, and it’s great that you can fix things on your own. But a Chilton’s book won’t keep you warm at night.” He was right, of course. Eventually, I did want to begin dating. I did wish to find the right guy for me. I did want to find my “happily ever after”. Almost 3 years later……. I’m still looking. I thought I had found him twice. The first time– this man is simply awesome. We can talk about anything. We can laugh, pick on each other, hang out.. he even lets me just sit on the phone and cry. Did I want something more with him than I had? Absolutely. But I wouldn’t give up what we have now for the world unless circumstances changed considerably and allowed for more. The second time? Yeah.. he’s the reason I started blogging. I was so very sure about him and our future. I wanted nothing more than to be with him. I wanted a lifetime with him and our combined 6 kids. I was truly shattered when he left……. via text message. It’s been over a month now, and while I’m healing and beginning to see the many red flags that were waving all around me, it still hurts. Badly. And it has completely turned me off of dating. Ever. It scares me how completely disinterested I am in attempting to date again. My friends keep telling me this, too, will change, but I don’t know. I honestly do not know if I can go through this heartache, or, disillusionment of beliefs, again. I keep saying it is going to take one hell of an amazingly awesome man to convince me I need to go out with him.
So, of course, the conversation of obtaining a FWB comes up with one of my BFF’s. I say how it sounds like a good idea– that’s all I need really. Someone to use and lose. Blah. Blah. Blah. The fact is… I already know that I cannot separate emotions and sex. So, therefore, I wouldn’t be able to have just a FWB arrangement– I’d end up falling for the guy and get my heart broken all over again when he doesn’t fall for me! Uggh. I just don’t know.
What do you guys think? Is it REALLY possible to have a strictly physical relationship for BOTH parties? No emotional involvement AT ALL? If so… share your tips! haha! 🙂