“A person’s heart never breaks. However beliefs do,,, and when they do,,, it can be emotionally painful. When a partner cheats on us, or breaks up with us, our beliefs about who they are, what they mean to us, and beliefs about our future break. We call it heart break but it is really a disillusionment of beliefs.”
So, I read this today. And I cried. And then.. I cried some more. I have been feeling heartbroken since ‘Sweatshirt’ left. Absolutely, horribly, uncontrollably heartbroken. I have run it through my mind a million times, and couldn’t for the life of me understand how anyone can walk away from someone they claim to love so completely….. How anyone can make promises, and break them as if they mean nothing…… How anyone can use a text message as an appropriate means to turn another persons world upside down…. How it’s nearly a month later, and barely any communication (verbal, text, email) has occurred to either start anew and begin to rebuild at a much slower pace, or to officially close the door and allow for healing. I, for one reason or another, have held out hope for the former, because, well, apparently I’m a fool for loving this man when the signs were blazingly clear to those close to me that while he may have had strong feelings for me, his intentions were never to ‘stick it out’. His intentions were not to learn my idiosyncrasies and embrace them, but to hold them against me as reasons for his departure.
It’s funny how things like this work. I truly felt my heart ache when I thought of him.. saw a picture of him or his awesome kids.. or thought of the future we had planned out together.. or see his belongings still in my bedroom (which had not been shared with another since my husband and I split).. or see his name appear on my phone with a random all business text from him.. or when I’m about to go over the edge and I instinctively grab the phone to call him because his voice can calm me (which I did today.. caught myself before it dialed, however.) My heart aches. But the statement above is absolutely true. My heart isn’t broken. It’s confused and disheartened and angry that I not only fell head over heels in love with this man…. but that I BELIEVED every word he said to me. I BELIEVED he loved me. I BELIEVED he wanted to share his life with me. I BELIEVED he was okay with my crazy OCD tendencies (mostly because he told me they made him love me more..). I BELIEVED he wanted to marry me on the Jersey Shore and have all of our closest friends and family join us for the barbecue of a lifetime. I BELIEVED he wanted to co-drive with me across the country when our children are all grown and on their own, keeping our trailer (with a double lot so I could have my garden) for ‘vacation’. I BELIEVED he wanted to be my confidant– my shoulder to cry on– my corner to hide in when the world became too much for me to handle. I BELIEVED he wanted our future together as much as I.
It isn’t that I do not love him any longer, because I absolutely do. I am the kind of person that loves deeply and passionately once that wall is brought down. I suppose I invite the heart ache… the disillusionment of belief… by being the type of person that I am. I give freely.. willingly.. without question. I love unconditionally. I do argue.. and I can be mean. I try not to hold a grudge, but I need some more work in that department. I give, and I give, and I give, and I give.. and I BELIEVE that while the other person is taking, it means they love as much as I. It never crosses my mind until after they have left that there was never going to be reciprocation. And it hurts. I cannot blame anyone for this except for myself. It’s a flaw in my personality to be trusting, and giving, and, apparently, gullible and naive.
So, what is the solution? I suppose I need to change who I am. I never thought that being a trusting, giving, emotional being was a bad thing, but it has proven itself to be detrimental to my emotional well-being. It leaves me with few options– I can continue to be who I am and welcome the ‘broken hearts’, I can continue to be who I am without allowing a male companion into the mix, or I can change who I am and become less available emotionally, and, therefore, less connected socially. None of these options makes me too anxious to wake up tomorrow morning, if I’m being perfectly honest. Just saying.
A very dear friend of mine told me today that I have people who love me— for who I am right now. And that I need to be okay with that. He said that I have come so far from the person I was while my husband was still around to the person I am today. And I BELIEVE him. I know in my head, and my heart that he WILL NOT lie to me. He DOES accept me for who I am–just as my two best girlfriends in the world do as well. I BELIEVE that my life is full, and that I have been blessed with many people who have become staples in my life and introduced me to things of which I would otherwise be oblivious. I BELIEVE that I am a good person. I BELIEVE that I deserve to be loved as deeply and as passionately as I love. I also BELIEVE that it may never happen for me.
And, believe it or not….. as much as I hate to think I will be the proverbial crazy cat lady who spends her life with 200 cats with not a man in sight….. I BELIEVE I am okay with that. It is going to be a difficult process of learning which of my beliefs are healthy and which are unhealthy, but it is a challenge in which I must partake. The only way to combat the disillusionment of belief is to know–without doubt– that my beliefs are healthy and putting me in a position to raise my children, support the four of us, and maintain my health. I need nothing more than that.