Revisiting something I wrote a few years ago…

As I lay me down to sleep
I pray for a man I wish to keep.
One who is cute with a smile to share
Who makes me laugh without a care.
One who remembers to call when he can
Who isn’t a boy– but truly a man.

I pray for him to be sincere and true
To admit when he hasn’t got even a clue.
He’ll open the door and ask what I need,
Holding my hand, and taking the lead.

Oh find me a man who’s not easily annoyed
Has a good job and gainfully employed.
A man who knows how to make me feel good
Loving me as only he could.

I pray that this guy will have a heart of gold
And that our love will grow as we get old.
I know you will find him, before it’s too late
So as for now, I will patiently wait…..

I saw this while shopping with my children the other day. It was attached to a small trinket–a heart-shaped box with scroll work and a red, jeweled, hinge top– called a prayer box. As I read the prayer to myself and rolled the trinket between my fingers, I felt a strange, calming sensation flow through my body. I realized, in that exact moment, that I was going to be OK. I realized that I had been basing my ‘recovery’ on how quickly I could find someone to replace the man that left me.

In that same moment, I realized that I do not want a replacement. I do not need a replacement. In that same moment, I realized that I deserve better than a replacement.

The past 15 years of my life have been spent concealing myself, stifling myself, and just plain losing myself. I want to spend the next 15 years (at least) of my life exploring and rediscovering things– with the man who wants to explore and discover things with me.

I’m simple, but complicated. I’m outgoing and fun, yet shy and reserved. I’m sarcastic and bitchy and sensitive and sweet. I am plain with a hint of cute… some call me fluffy, but I prefer curvy. I am hopeful, wishful and dreamy mixed with realistic, determined and focused. I am certainly not perfect– but I am me. And for the first time in a long time, I’m OK with that.

I don’t want to settle for the man that can’t handle my quirkiness. I want the man who takes my quirkiness and kicks it up a notch. If I have to wait for him… I will do so gladly…

So, that’s it.  I wrote that in 2009 when my husband and I split.  I truly felt I had a handle on things.  I absolutely believed I was worth FAR more than just a ‘replacement’.  A string of crappy men, broken hearts, and many, many nights crying later I find myself right back in the same place I was when I wrote that post.  I am determined to actually stand my ground this time.  No more attempting to prove myself worthy of a relationship with a man certainly unworthy of a relationship with me.   No more destroying any shred of confidence I may have had in myself and my capabilities because a man has decided I’m not good enough for him.  No more waiting on pins and needles for that same man to decide I AM worthy of his affection.  No more allowing anyone to control my thoughts, my actions, and more importantly– no more allowing anyone to control my life.  I am the only one to do that.  I am the only one who decides if I am worthy. 

I am.

It’s been almost one full week of no contact at all, and there it was.. a text message.  It’s absolutely crazy how one simple text message from him is enough to throw me for a loop.   I know he isn’t coming back.  And I know he doesn’t love me as I love him.  And I also know it’s unhealthy for me to sit back hoping he will change his mind– he won’t.  So, I had to come back to this post and remind myself what I am.. who I am.. and more importantly– what I’m worth– a WHOLE lot more than fighting to keep a man that doesn’t wish to be kept.  I want to be the one for which someone is fighting……

Sooooooo….this time, instead of attempting to find someone else to fill the void he left in my heart and my life– I’m filling it with myself.  With my new ‘boyfriend’ Tread.  My new BFF ‘Clean Eating’. And last –but not least– my decision to will good things in my life with positive thinking.  Ok.. so perhaps that last bit is hogwash, but it certainly cannot hurt to leave behind my pessimism and keep pace with optimism and positivity! 

So, tell me.. what are your tried and true methods to remind yourself you’re not only worthy, but entitled to find happiness in this life?


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