So, I did it.

Yep.  I did it.  Went in feet first again.  Hopefully, though, this time will work in my favor seeing as I can’t actually walk withOUT going in feet first!  😉

I’ve determined that I want to get back to my roots.  My true stress reliever.  My salvation.  I am, by history, a runner.  I would run so much I’d forget anything and everything that made me angry, sad, anxious, hurt, and yes, even happy.  I would just run.  I ran in the warm weather.  I ran in the cold.  I ran in the rain.  I ran in the snow.  I just ran.  When I would start running, it was as if time and space no longer existed, and, therefore, neither did any  emotion, and neither did one sense work more than another–other than running. What?  Oh, yes.  Running IS one of the senses.  You weren’t aware?  Let’s see– there’s touch, taste, smell, hearing, seeing, and running! 

Alright.  So perhaps I have exaggerated on that last bit.  But, in all honesty, when I ran– it was as if every single one of my five senses (see what I just did there?  I made it seem like 5 senses were SO many more.. haha) was working so effectively and efficiently together that I experienced as close to a super natural experience as I could.  Nothing could touch the euphoric feelings running produced within me–except for maybe shin splints, tight hamstrings, and bursitis in my hips, but I digress.

So, to get back to the point of this post– I have determined that I want to run again.  Yes, it has been what seems like forever since I’ve run.  Yes, I AM aware I’ve put on a *ahem* few pounds in that forever.  Yes, I know I run the risk of hip issues again. 

I do not care.

Enter into my life an old, slightly broken, Proform 930 treadmill.  I received this gem last night as a ‘gift’ from a dear friend’s mother.  I am so thrilled with this new acquisition I could hardly wait to try it out!!  It arrived in my living room at approximately 7:30 PM last night, and after the children went to sleep, I went on my very first date— with my new boyfriend Tread Mill.  Despite being a tad jumpy in the beginning, he was quite a gentleman and we settled into a nice pace quickly enough.  After spending about 1.2 miles worth of time (30 minutes) with him, I thought it best we take things slow and ended our date.  I promised him, however, that I’d meet with him in the morning. 

And I did.  For another .75 miles (my time was short).  And I will meet with him again tonight after the children drift off to dreamland. 

I know, I know.  Didn’t I just say in yesterday’s post that I should learn not to go all in right off the bat??  Is that not how I’ve failed numerous times before?  I am fully aware of my fast committment to Tread.  I do hope that he doesn’t quit on me as many others have.  I have given myself some leeway as to how quickly I plan on doing the whole running thing.  For right now, I am going to just walk with Tread.  I am going to get my body accustomed to being back in motion.  Once I feel confident I’ve accomplished that goal (a week or two, max), I will begin a ‘Couch to’ program to slowly re-introduce my body to running.  I do hope that, like that old riding a bike adage, it won’t be too difficult to remember my stride, my breathing, the way I hold my arms, the feel of the ground below me, as well as, the give and take of my joints and whichever surface I choose to run upon….and the euphoria I feel when everything combines into one single movement.

I believe, without a single reservation, that once my body remembers running– I will notice a host of changes within myself.  I would assume I will see the weight begin to diminish.  I would assume I will crave more and more Clean foods to fuel the machine that will be my body. I also believe that I will see my depression and anxiety slowly dissipate like the dark cover of fog finally touched by sunlight.  Once that fog lifts, I can begin to see the remaining insecurities, doubts, fears, and self-depreciating behaviors for what they truly are— piles of senseless and useless weight that I need not carry any longer. 

I have had to look my issues in the eye because I took pictures of my ‘Before’.   I am deeply ashamed that I have allowed myself to fall this far.  I am aware that we all judge ourselves more difficult than an ‘outsider’ would, but all I can say after looking at these pictures for some time last night is: WoW.  Truly eye opening to look at yourself and wonder who it is.  Uggh.  As grand as I talk in my posts– I’m still very embarrassed and saddled with my own insecurities– so I cannot post them.  Yet.  Give me some time.  Baby steps…

Until next time….

P.S.  If there is anyone out there that would like to accompany me on my journey– perhaps embark on your own along side of me–feel free to Like, Comment, or Share this post.  I’d be thrilled to have you along!  🙂


2 thoughts on “So, I did it.

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